When we last left the NFL’s Nik Richie, he was fantasizing about Chris Cooley’s sex life. Today, with the NFL season half-way through and plenty of NFL storylines to write about, what hot-button NFL issue does he decide to write about? Lance Armstrong. Yeah, the washed-up, roided cyclist who hasn’t been a story since he cheated on his wife, or something. I’m already excited to see what big news took place; did Lance’s dishwasher break? Did the Giants sign him to coach Osi Umenyiora how to cheat while riding the exercise bike on the sideline every game that he chooses not to play? The truth is much more newsworthy, if by newsworthy you mean “CHRIS CHASE SUCKS AT HIS JOB AND MAKES ME WANT TO READ TWILIGHT INSTEAD BECAUSE STEPHANIE MEYER LOOKS LIKE MARK TWAIN NEXT TO HIM.” Chris Chase thinks this counts as NFL news:
Ooooh, “if” Lance Armstrong was rich he’d buy the Cowboys. If I had a few hundred million bucks I’d buy Yahoo Sports, and instead of firing Chris Chase, I’d make him scrub urinals and write “I wish I was as talented a writer as Jordin Sparks” 500 times a day with dull nails on a giant chalkboard every day. Does that count as news either? Not remotely, so I have no clue why Chris Chase thinks this does.
The seven-time Tour de France champion took a shot at team owner Jerry Jones on his Twitter account,suggesting that the meddlesome owner should stop being so, uh, meddlesome.
Guess what, Chase? You know who else thinks that Jerry Jones shouldn’t meddle with the team? Every Cowboys fan in the world, and probably even Moammar Ghaddafi, who was probably a Cowboys fan just by looking at his picture. This isn’t news, and it hasn’t been since he hired Barry Switzer. Also, it’s pretty obvious he would stay out of the way even if he did buy the team, he has no background in football at all, which would probably qualify him more than Jerry Jones anyway, I suppose.
Famed cyclist Lance Armstrong was born in Dallas and named after former Cowboys receiver Lance Rentzel, so his ties to America’s Team run deep. But after a tweet sent out in the wake of the Cowboys’ 35-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, Armstrong shouldn’t be expecting an invite to Cowboys Stadium anytime soon.
Oh snap, OWNED! What a put-down! LANCE ARMSTRONG SHOULDN’T CHECK HIS MAIL FOR A SAVE-THE-DATE TO WATCH TONY ROMO EXECUTE A BASIC SHOTGUN SNAP! Someone please forward this to Blind Fury for his next MTV Rap Battle! I wish Chris Chase would try and make it in the rap game instead of writing this crap, but his vocabulary and literacy probably aren’t on the same plane as Lil Wayne or Soulja Boy.
God, this is depressing.
Today, we will introduce a new segment in which we will break down Chaztopher’s posts FJM/KSK style, so as to truly appreciate the bizarre pearls of wisdom bestowed upon us by Chris.
With a full slate of NFL games to choose from, what does Chase decide to focus his childlike mind on? Chris Cooley, who isn’t even active today. But that’s not important, because he has funny hair! Or something.
This delightful little piece of breaking news: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Photo-Cooley-channels-his-inner-Wooderson-with-?urn=nfl-wp10161 is quite brief, which happens to be one of my favorite genres of Chris Chase literature. Today, we enjoy speculation about Chris Cooley’s extramarital activities, and we learn sad news about Chris Chase’s automobile.
Chris Cooley(notes) may not be seeing action for the Washington Redskins on Sunday, but he’ll be seeing plenty of action from the ladies with his new ‘stache n’ chops stylings.
Bow Chicka Bow Wow! This reads like a disturbing intro to some erotic Chris Cooley fanfiction. While Chaztopher can fantasize about Cooley’s postgame sexcapades all that he wants, I wonder how Christy Cooley, former Redskins cheerleader, and Chris Cooley’s wife, would feel if she actually read this drivel.
Yeah, Chase, I think Chris Cooley won’t be scouring D.C. dive bars or Ashley Madison for some on-the-side loving tonight.
He finishes up this 140-characters-or-less article with some weird digression about his car:
My car has been rattling a bit when I’m on the highway; I wonder if Cooley can take care of that for me. It’d be a lot cooler if he could.
When most people dream of a ‘fantasy mechanic’ to save them from a broken-down car on the side of a highway, this isn’t the first image to come to mind:
Thankfully, Chris Chase is not most people. Also, he should probably get his car looked at.
This is, in fact, the mothership for our movement. Connect, regroup, laugh, and cry with fellow survivors at this page. Our voices will prevail.
You’ve seen the misleading, exaggerated, and often simply untruthful headlines. The ones pushed to the front of Yahoo! every day. The story looks promising, so you click, but midway through the first sentence you are filled with rage, regret, and your stomach drops: “THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING AGAIN!” You, my friend, have clicked on a Chris Chase piece. You feel empty, angry, and you may have lost all hope.
I am here to tell you that there is, indeed, hope. Join the movement of survivors as we fight back against mediocre sportswriting, dishonest headlines, and the great troll himself, Chris Chase. We are the 99%, We will be heard. The whole world is watching!